How it all ends.

Sometimes inspite of everything being ok, nothing seems fine. Life just drags on and there is no stopping it or speeding it up. How i would like to make a life changing decision for once in my life but I guess I am not creative enough. Everything new is cliched and everything fun is overrated. I guess my cynicism is having the better of me most of the times these days.

 

I talk to all these people around me and not one has something interesting to say, something that would make me stop and think. But a funny thing happened the other day. I started reading a book, Hack, in New York, which by the way gives a new high to my list of “pulp-ish” books and coincidentally its about a new york girl taxi driver. As I was reading it at the New York airport waiting for one of four flights to Baku, it made me so nostalgic and miss chinkaa so much I felt sick to my stomach. Reading about 3^rd and Lexington Avenue and reminiscing how I was living there a couple of hours ago and the next time I would be back may not be before a year… the feeling was painful… is painful.

 

Anyway I was reading the book in the bus on my way back home from schlumberger and this guy asked me what I was reading since the title was slightly striking – “Hack – how I stopped worrying about my life and started driving a yellow cab”. I told him what the book was about and how I hadn’t really bought it but picked it up from the reception of our apartment building in NY and was reading it just to know how it ended. He gave me an unexpected reply. “Do you read boks just to know the ending?” I became defensive and told him that it was the case only with this book since I had gotten hold of it by chance and I hadn’t chosen it like the other ones I read. He seemed satisfied by my reply but I wasn’t. I had barely talked to this guy much in the past but in that moment I wished we had or we could. I have my own big group in the company and in the past one odd year its been established who are the single serving friends, who are more than that and so on. This person actually said something that could’ve led to what would’ve been a very interesting conversation.

 

This got me thinking do I really read books just to know the ending. Do I watch movies and other series just coz I am curious about what happens at the end of every season? It was a sad enough thought already. This reminded me of what I saw in the movie Friends with money. An average movie on the whole, there is this woman in it who is a very famous Fashion designer but she wouldn’t even shampoo her hair coz it was so monotonous and then she says, “This is how its gonna be the rest of my life. Its like we are all waiting to die.” So are we really just reeling through life just to know what happens at the end? Isn’t the process supposed to be the essence of the whole thing? If so, then why aren’t we able to appreciate it as much as we should? Why can’t we enjoy what we already have or already know rather than waiting for the next big thing to be curious or excited about. Actually if you think about it, all these questions are kinda rhetorical coz if someone asked me this I would’ve come up with very precise slightly philosophical answers to each one of them. But I guess in this case, just introspecting and mulling over the whole thing is more interesting and seems more meaningful as compared to the answer or outcome for a change.

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~ by neha mehta on September 19, 2008.